I originally published “Swimmers” on February 17th and was thrilled when Chuck Palahniuk, author of “Fight Club” (plus many, many others) and undoubtedly my favorite writer, reviewed it a few weeks ago.
Great rewrite of what was already an excellent story. You've implemented many of Mr. Palahniuk's comments nicely. The situation is clearer from the start, and the progression is easier to follow. I love Luciano Carreras! 😂 Also, the seriousness of the underlying, you know, condition, adds pathos, if not outright tragedy. My only doubt is whether such a level of seriousness is necessary. Even if it is, are you sure it wouldn't be better to go for a more gradual reveal? Just honest doubts I would have if I were the one doing the rewrite. As it is, you've done an excellent job, and I'm looking forward to your next piece. Bravo!
Really interesting thought about having a gradual reveal of the medical issue - it could almost mirror the timing of the reveal of what’s actually taking place at the “event,” which is an appealing twist. I think I could rewrite and rewrite and rewrite until I have Swimmers version 9.0. But that aside, thank you for reading the revised story, and for the feedback!
Absolutely! This happens to me all the time 😄. A work of art is never finished, merely abandoned. But then again, the next work gives a chance to experiment with the alternatives not chosen for the previous one. Thank you so much for sharing and letting us enjoy your stories, as well as their revised versions!
Purely a technical matter, in the very first paragraph: fasting before surgery is so you don't choke to death on your own vomit during surgery - anaesthesists hate it when that happens, so do surgeons if they're in the midst of slicing you open.
Vomitting after surgery, even on an empty stomach, isn't especially uncommon, that's why they have the little kidney dishes. Nurses are pretty used to cleaning up vomit.
The above wasn't an issue in the first version. The details added in V2 create a problem.
Yeah, I’m with you there. My internet search history is a bizarre and troubling place with the things I research in support of writing fiction - but in this case, I chose to stick with the inaccuracy because it was hard to pull off the story otherwise.
Excellent rewrite! I like it
Thank you, Vince! We have pigs in both of our stories, it seems.
Great rewrite of what was already an excellent story. You've implemented many of Mr. Palahniuk's comments nicely. The situation is clearer from the start, and the progression is easier to follow. I love Luciano Carreras! 😂 Also, the seriousness of the underlying, you know, condition, adds pathos, if not outright tragedy. My only doubt is whether such a level of seriousness is necessary. Even if it is, are you sure it wouldn't be better to go for a more gradual reveal? Just honest doubts I would have if I were the one doing the rewrite. As it is, you've done an excellent job, and I'm looking forward to your next piece. Bravo!
Really interesting thought about having a gradual reveal of the medical issue - it could almost mirror the timing of the reveal of what’s actually taking place at the “event,” which is an appealing twist. I think I could rewrite and rewrite and rewrite until I have Swimmers version 9.0. But that aside, thank you for reading the revised story, and for the feedback!
Absolutely! This happens to me all the time 😄. A work of art is never finished, merely abandoned. But then again, the next work gives a chance to experiment with the alternatives not chosen for the previous one. Thank you so much for sharing and letting us enjoy your stories, as well as their revised versions!
I believe the expression is that poems are never finished, merely abandoned.
I was merely paraphrasing. But thank you anyway 😊
It always made perfect sense for poets and poetry, that's all. Not so much if extended to other creative fields.
I completely disagree, but everybody's entitled to their opinion.
Purely a technical matter, in the very first paragraph: fasting before surgery is so you don't choke to death on your own vomit during surgery - anaesthesists hate it when that happens, so do surgeons if they're in the midst of slicing you open.
Vomitting after surgery, even on an empty stomach, isn't especially uncommon, that's why they have the little kidney dishes. Nurses are pretty used to cleaning up vomit.
The above wasn't an issue in the first version. The details added in V2 create a problem.
Yeah, I’m with you there. My internet search history is a bizarre and troubling place with the things I research in support of writing fiction - but in this case, I chose to stick with the inaccuracy because it was hard to pull off the story otherwise.
Oh, not suggesting you should have changed the ending! That would be a whole different story. 😁