I like Randy Clam. And i love Randy Clam being all Jack Nicholson. You killed it, for me movement starts in the mind, and your narrator's mind is well all over the place.
Thanks Sam! Jack Nicholson was a little nod to people who get the golfer and the actor mixed up. And yes, I suppose there is plenty of movement in the narrator’s thoughts.
That name alone made me love this story. Yes, maybe I could have been moved around the bus a bit, or even moved around the guy’s phone—the physicality of it. Was it sticky with something? Was it brand-new, or did it come with a special case of some kind? That being said, I did like the inclusion of the photos and the meandering nature of the story. Thanks for playing!
I woke up this morning (before reading any feedback) and made a tweak to the story. Sure, it takes place on a moving bus but, as you noted, there's not really any movement depicted. So, we now go on a short trip to the bathroom. I resisted this urge to add a photo to accompany that trip. Could have been shocking and gross, but maybe just for the sake of being those things.
I like Randy Clam. And i love Randy Clam being all Jack Nicholson. You killed it, for me movement starts in the mind, and your narrator's mind is well all over the place.
Thanks Sam! Jack Nicholson was a little nod to people who get the golfer and the actor mixed up. And yes, I suppose there is plenty of movement in the narrator’s thoughts.
Photo credit: some guy on Reddit. Totally so good. Randy Clam sounds like a legend! Also — what is this game?!?
Randy Clam IS a legend. Don’t you forget it.
And here’s the inspiration:
https://substack.com/@levipolzin/note/c-255553500?utm_source=activity_item
Friggin Randy Clam!
That name alone made me love this story. Yes, maybe I could have been moved around the bus a bit, or even moved around the guy’s phone—the physicality of it. Was it sticky with something? Was it brand-new, or did it come with a special case of some kind? That being said, I did like the inclusion of the photos and the meandering nature of the story. Thanks for playing!
I woke up this morning (before reading any feedback) and made a tweak to the story. Sure, it takes place on a moving bus but, as you noted, there's not really any movement depicted. So, we now go on a short trip to the bathroom. I resisted this urge to add a photo to accompany that trip. Could have been shocking and gross, but maybe just for the sake of being those things.
Just read the new addition of the pee break. I like it. Truthfully I wish you had added the photo! Haha would have been on par.
I was SOOO close to doing it. Kind of fits with the character. Maybe I'll come back to it.