Based on a True Story
Mongols | Exception | Gosling | Elementary | Coordinate | Solution | Tighten | Shuffle | Horseshoe | Universe
That Ryan Gosling dude? From the Barbie movie? You know, “I am Kenough” and all that. We went to the same elementary school in Ontario. True story. And bro had a twisted chassis, if you know what I mean. Like, we must have been in first grade or something, and dude brings steak knives to recess. Straight from the kitchen cabinet, 5 or 6 knives like he’s ready to coordinate an attack on a pack of T-bones. And then when we’re just lining up at the end, ready to shuffle back inside because it’s almost time for spelling or whatever, Mr. La-La Land pops out from behind the twisty slide and starts throwing the knives at us like he’s Rambo or something. Just firing off little serrated missiles, grunting like he’s ripping a deuce, but we all had a horseshoe up our butts because he couldn’t aim for shit, and also he was only six, so they just thudded in the dirt a few feet away.
Yeah, man, twisted chassis for sure. He was always wandering around in some parallel universe ranting about detective movies and such. Smelled like, I don’t know, wood pulp maybe? If that makes sense. Rest of the family did too, bunch of Mongols that they were. His sister Mandi being the exception. She was a rocket, if you know what I mean. I had a solution for her.
He bounced to another school around fifth grade, but I saw him once at that pumpkin farm over near Milton. I’m tucking into a plate of cider donuts when he walks by and as we make eye contact I can see him tighten his grip on his mom’s hand. Which weirds me out because what kind of guy holds their mom’s hand when they’re, like, 11 years old? So they head towards the corn maze and I see three wooden handles sticking out of his pants pocket, and a serrated tip jabbed through the seam in at least one place, and I guess dude is still packing the steak knives. True story.